Firstly, apologies. This isn’t a very happy, exciting nor positive post so please feel free to skip it. I’ve said before that sometimes I just need to write and get it out of me and this is one of those days. I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m digging for…validation (?) or whatever, I just need to vent I guess.
Yesterday I mentioned that I’d been struggling a bit of late. We’ve been arguing a lot you see, falling out… and I’ve been pretty rude to be honest. Me and my body that is. My middle to be exact.
I’ve worked hard, very hard, to overcome my issues with food. I don’t link it to emotions anymore, I’m not scared of it. Finally I’m learning to listen to my body and feed it when it wants, push it to its limits but also rest it when it asks. In that sense we’re doing pretty well. But my relationship with my body itself? Not so good. Some days I feel amazing, strong, powerful, good, on top of the world. Yet it never seems to last for long… Then I start to feel big, squishy, unfeminine, frumpy even, all over again. And then I panic.
And it drives me mad. This is a body that has been through so much and it has come out the other side. It’s never going to conform to a stereotypical ‘perfect body’ and I don’t want it to. I just want us to be friends! It can move fast, it is strong and is getting stronger. Yet it will always have curves, boobs and a little bit of a tummy.
What’s more, I know that I am worth more than my body. Yet no matter how much I tell myself all of this it’s not going in. The stress continues. And I’m starting to make a bit of a connection that stress + my stomach = unhappy.
So, what to do? Be kind. Treat myself like a child. Talk when I need to talk and stop putting so much pressure on myself all the time. So here is my goal, my pledge for the coming weeks/months/however long it takes… I am coming to the realisation that I need to trust the process and accept that this is a process I’m still going through. I’ve had so many different shapes due to various factors over the past few years that I need to find the one that is the real me again. I’ll get there, I know I will. (I have to…) It just takes time.